1. Does His Best By Quitting
17, hole in the wall popular non-chain fast food place. Worked 3 to 11.
A Friday. We needed a MINIMUM of 4 people to run the place.
And that’s with everything getting totally trashed. 6-7 people was really what was needed.Nobody showed up but me. Previous shift went home.Called the manager. No answer. Called the owner. ‘Just do the best you can’.
Turned off the lights, locked the door, put a sticky note on it that said ‘I quit’. And went home.
I did the best I could.
2. Quitting By Proxy
I knew a guy in high school who hated working at a movie theater. Called his boss and told him he wasn’t feeling well because he went hiking, got swarmed by bats, and got bit by one. Shows up later that evening to watch a movie with a cape and fake fangs in his mouth. Fired on the spot.
3. Last Day Making Pizzas
I used to work at a place that rhymes with “Pizza Hut” and the managers there were real cheapskates.
There was this nice old man that would come in every Sunday and order a triple extra cheese pizza and while they charged him for the 3x cheese, they would forbid us from ever actually putting that much cheese on a pizza because apparently cheese in the pizza selling world is akin to gold.
So instead of 3x extra cheese he would really be getting what the instructions would qualify as barely enough for a regular cheese pizza.
On the day my 2 weeks notice ended the old guy just happened to be my last order so I went into the walk-in and grabbed an entire box of cheese, proceeded to dump the entire thing onto his pizza and tossed it into oven. It was stacked so high that it couldn’t even fit into it and half of it was scraped off.
Anyways, the look on the old guy’s face when he saw me do this made it all worth it (imagine pure excitement). Needless to say I didn’t put the correct phone number down for future job references.
4. Popcorn And VHS
There was a UPS strike in the 90s and I was employed by them in high school as a sorter. Blockbuster Video at the time had this mail order deal where you’d get a VHS tape and bags of popcorn. Like a proto-Netflix thing I guess. Anyway, all these boxes full of microwave popcorn and VHS tapes would slide down the belt and about half of the popcorn bags would explode or break. After about an hour there was popcorn dust all over. I asked my boss for a mask, and he said that they didn’t have any. Some of the drivers walked by wearing masks, and I followed them and found a full cabinet full of masks. I confronted my boss, and he was like “the masks are for drivers, only”.
So I went back to the sorting area and just stopped working. I just stood there. The belts were backing up with these boxes of popcorn and they would burst and clouds of powdered popcorn butter would fill the air. I waited about 45 minutes before the belt shut off.
I walked out through a haze of popcorn dust, with alarms blaring, people running everywhere trying to figure out what was going on. A lot of people didn’t get their VHS tapes that week.
5.A “Certain” Coffee Chain
My wife worked for a certain chain coffee shop a few years back. She got another job, so requested reduced hours. This didn’t happen for 3 straight weeks.
During that third week, she had a soccer mom from hell try to get her attention, by throwing fucking snowballs at her through the drive-thru window. My wife then stopped what she was doing and tossed this soccer mom’s iced tea at her (which exploded everywhere) and slammed the window.
5 minutes later she had written her letter of resignation, with the only things she could find: a purple crayon and a sticky note.
6. A Race To Quit First
Worked as a teller at a bank for a few years, GM and supervisor were both kind of crappy in their own ways. My buddy there was also a teller who felt similarly and wanted to get out. We started applying to places and both got interviews at the same company. As luck would have it, we both got hired and got phone calls about 10 minutes apart.
There was only one other teller aside from us and when it got busy, supervisor usually had to jump in as well (and usually hated it). It felt like we were constantly short staffed and days when 1 person would call out sick or be on vacation would suck. Being down 2 people was the worst.
Naturally when we both got hired, it became a race to see who could turn in their two weeks notice first. He printed his off and raced into GM’s office, walking out with a big smile. GM calls me in and offers me full time hours (after I had been requesting them for months).
I jumped in saying “Let me stop you right there, I’m also turning in my two weeks notice.”
Remembering that look of disbelief will make me smile every time. A solid professional Eff You is just as enjoyable to me as going out with a bang.
7. Middle Management At Its Dumbest
Wrote a normal letter of resignation before I got in the shower one morning. No big deal. Got into the office and was straight ignored by management. Oh well, told you when my last day was.
Fast forward 3 days they pull me into a conference room to ask what it would take to keep me. I say nothing but don’t want to ruin them (sole IT manager for a staff of 70) and would be willing to consult part time. They liked that idea and said they’d be willing to pay me my current hourly as a consultant. I was prepared for this and told them that wasn’t what I said. I said that i would consult and my consulting rate was $200/hr. They were flabbergasted and insulted (I was making about $18/hr salary).
They thought it was insane even though they’d pay a consulting firm $600/hr when I was on vacation. Needless to say, having planned to quit it was no skin off my back and laughed about it. They didn’t take kindly to me laughing about their anger and told me to pack my shit. I did so, got an extra 10 days vacation paid out of it.
8. AM Country Gold
1992: I was 19 and working at the most pissant radio station imaginable, “AM Country Gold”. The notoriously cheap, abusive and dishonest owner, a fella named “Wes,” had just screwed me out of a promised bonus. It was the latest in a long line of dishonest acts and I had had enough.
The rest of the sales team was afraid to stand up to Wes and he screamed abuse at them constantly (except the lone woman, who he sexually harassed). They were all in their 30’s & 40’s, working the same garbage job I was, but desperately needed it. I did not. So I engaged in a very public shouting match with Wes in the lobby, saying all the things everyone there had always wanted to say. Then I swept the contents of the front desk onto the floor and stormed out.
Instead of leaving, I went around the side of the building to a pay phone and called the radio station request line. In a fake Southern accent, I said, “Hey y’all, I just told my cheap, no good, lying piece of human garbage boss to go to hell. Play me out with, “Take this Job and Shove It,” and dedicate it to my former boss, Wes!”
The disc jockey had no idea what had just happened in the lobby, or that my Wes was “the” Wes, so he enthusiastically played my recorded dedication and added, “This one is for you Wes, choke on it you sack of crap!”
The building had speakers inside and out constantly playing the radio feed, so I got to hear Wes get clowned by his own radio station before driving off into the sunset.
9. Over The P.A. System
Someone at my previous workplace (a huge grocery store in a large mall) went to the PA system we use to issue messages to the whole mall, and said something along the lines of “dear customers, managers and co-workers. I fucking quit”, and then proceeded to leave.
10. The Family Business
I used to work for my Father. It was probably the worst time of my life. He treated me like absolute shit, paid me very poorly, and made me work 70+ hours a week. I was young, just out of high school, and I complained about my predicament quite a lot. His response was always “if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”
6 months before I quit, he made me run his night shift, which meant 6PM -6:30AM Monday through Saturday. I was very unhappy about this, so I applied for another job. I got it, and went to my Father’s office with a list of demands, he responded with his usual reply, so I said, “Alright, I’ve gotten a job offer somewhere else, fuck you, I quit.”
The look on his face was priceless. He truly believed that because I had amazing job security that I’d be willing to put up with anything and that I’d stay there for my entire career. In one short, sweet instant, I proved to him that this was not the case, and he lost his most valuable employee.
The icing on the cake was the fact that the job that I left him for is at the company that manufactures the very machinery and software he relies on in business. So any time something goes wrong in his factory, he has to call me to fix it for him.
11. Using A Hidden Code
I wrote a respectful letter thanking them for the opportunity and all they’ve taught me.
The first letter of every sentence spelled out “Fuck <boss>”.
Nobody noticed.
12. The Price You Have To Pay
I went up to HR to
give my two weeks’ noticeGTFO but before I could even get a word out, the HR lady flapped her hand at me and told me to come back in an hour because she was going on lunch. So I wrote “I QUIT!” on a piece of paper, signed and dated it, and left it on her desk.She called me later to let me know that since I didn’t give two weeks’ notice, I would never be eligible to work for Kaufmann’s or Macy’s ever again. I told her I’d just have to live with that.
13. “I Can’t Do This Anymore”
Worked in a video store when there was such a thing. My co-worker showed up very, very high. He was also about 6’3″ and 140 pounds, so he stood out in a crowd to begin with. Anyway, he came in for a 4 hour shift, stood in the middle of our bank of checkout registers…and just ate chips. Like, 6 bags of chips back to back, and he ate them SLOW, and savored the shit out of each bite. The whole time he had zero facial expression, think of the dull stare of a chewing dairy cow.
After about 3 hours he calmly turns to me and says “I can’t do this anymore”…gently sets down his bag of chips, and walks out the door. We never saw him in the store again.
14. A Total Mutiny
First job when i was 15 for a discount clothing brand store. Head manager was the aunt of our store manager who was 19. Our store manager did nothing most of the time and used to chat to her boyfriend and friends loudly on the store phone…much to the annoyance of everybody.
One night its come closing, we are grabbing our coats and getting ready to leave after a really busy day and the store manager storms in, telling us how she’s lowered the shutters and wont let us leave until we have helped her finish the one job she had all day to do cos her aunt is doing a “surprise” inspection in the morning. Everyone is pissed, especially the people who have had to watch her do literally nothing all day. She turns spiteful, threatening to delay our pays, dock our wages etc etc. All bullshit. For one woman it was the last straw (she had a kid to pick up from a club) so she waited till she left us alone to work, walked up to the shutters and pulled them up manually by hand. All of us crawled out to freedom.
We left her a note saying “Good luck explaining to your aunt why four people just quit.”
15. Held Hostage
I was working for Argos as a Christmas job while studying. After a while it was becoming too much as I had to stay in work until deliveries were unpacked; this meant that some days I was leaving for college at 8.30am and not getting home until 1am that night.
One night it was a particularly large delivery and it was getting very late with no end in sight. I decided I’d had enough and told the supervisor I was finished, didn’t want to do the job anymore and wanted to go home. He rejected this and said that I was going nowhere until the delivery was unpacked. I stood in front of him and repeated that I quit therefore I don’t care about the delivery, completing my studies was more important to me than earning a bit of extra cash. He still said I was going nowhere and refused to unlock the door to let me out.
Despite feeling I had a case for false imprisonment I decided to take matters in to my own hands; I ran out the fire escape door and down the street never to return. I’ll always remember the sound of the fire escape door making a big DOOONG as it hit the metal railings and I made my escape to freedom.
16. Burning Bridges With Jet Fuel
I worked for a law firm doing research and analysis. I wrote a custom program, on my own time, that would automate editing down these huge lists we’d get from an outside vendor, boiling it down to only what we wanted. First, only my team used the code. By the time I left, over 150 people were using it. Sounds minimal but it was actual a huge time saver. The program would boil down a list ~100 pages long down to about ~10 pages; a process we used to do manually a couple times a day.
A layoff was announced, I was part of the outplacement, but the firm wanted to continue using my program. I asked if there would be compensation as it was coded on my own time, never paid for it, etc. I was told no and “besides, there’s really nothing keeping us from still using it when you’re gone.”
For the remainder of my time (2 years), I would create patches whenever the format of the data changed. With my last patch, I put in code that would disable the program and erase key parts of the program one month after my last day. From what I understand from people still with the firm, on day X everyone came in, booted their machines, and the program was simply gone. Efficiency fell through the floor, delaying opening cases, billing clients, etc. I wanted 10k, they lost more than that in the first week without the program.
17. A Parting Gift To Her Co-Workers
During my exit interview I told HR the real reason I was leaving was due to the quality of the office chairs. I said they were an eyesore, uncomfortable and made me ashamed to come to work and resulted in sub-par job satisfaction.
Two weeks later I was told by previous co-workers everyone got brand new, top of the line office chairs.
18. Don’t Piss Off Your Only Cook
At 16 I worked at a Dairy Queen Brazier in Texas. My Manager, was a jerk. One night, I sliced a good chunk of my thumb off because they did not have the proper safety equipment. After being out of work for 3 weeks, I returned to work. My thumb was still pretty screwed up, but I was trying. My Manager kept riding my ass, telling me I had to move faster (I was the only short order cook). When I saw three GreyHound buses pull up, I knew I was in trouble. She came back into the kitchen and said if I didn’t move fast for these buses she’d find someone who would. That was the last straw – I knew no one in the entire restaurant could cook. So I took her up on her threat and simply walked out the back door. She flipped me off as I drove away. My friends told me they hardly got any orders out and the buses left since they couldn’t get the food out. I felt bad for the people on the buses, but was sick of being berated by management.
19. Out The Window
I got this.
Worked as a teen for McDonald’s for a month or two during the winter in the 90’s. We were understaffed and they usually had me working the deep sink and taking money at the drive thru. One day I come in at 4pm and the breakfast stuff is pilled to the ceiling at the sink because the day shift rolled out without taking care of it, as per usual.
There was a snowstorm this particular day and with the amount of dishes to do and the increasing frequency of running over and taking money from the window during the dinner rush my hands were beginning to hurt, then going completely numb. I let the manager know this wasn’t working out today and get blown off.
Fuck it, I crawl straight the fuck out of the money window without anyone noticing, at least no one on the staff. I get in my car and drive to the parking lot across the street and watch that dinner rush drive thru line back up out of the lot and down the street.
20. “I Don’t Want To Hear This”
I used to work for a telecommunications company.
My mom was very sick over the last 3 months of her life, so I had to go home most weekends to see her, it’s a 6 hour journey to get from where I worked to the town where I’m from. When her birthday came around, I requested a couple of days off that I had saved for this specific occasion. Yet, the days off were denied because we were approaching a busy time of year for sales. At this point, I hadn’t mentioned what was happening at home, because well, I was always taught that you keep your work and personal lives separate. But I said it to my boss, who, at the time, I saw as a pretty compassionate person. She never took any issue when I got sick or was late for whatever reason. But when I told her, she just looked at me point blank and said “I don’t want to hear this”.
After that meeting, I went back to my desk and sat there for about 20 minutes, thinking of a solution. That solution was to get my things, and just leave. I said goodbye to my friends on my way out, flipped my boss off and just walked out. I went straight to my car and drove back to my home town that night. It was the best decision I ever made.
I got to spend all my time with my mom before she went. We even got to go on a vacation and spend one last week away together because I had the time to do so. I’ll never, ever regret walking out that day.
Not exactly “hilarious”, but I had a good chuckle to myself on that drive home. The look on my boss’s face will never leave me. It was sweet.
21. Work Night Turns Into Movie And A Beer
Worked in the cinema as a teenager. Came in late for work after they changed my schedule during my days off and didn’t think to mention it to me. Boss lost it and started shouting at me, as far as I’m concerned if you need to shout I ain’t listening. So let her rant away for a good 15 mins while I was at my locker clearing it out. When it finally clicked that I wasn’t listening or getting ready to work she stopped and asked what I’m doing I said ”going to see Lord of the Rings with the lads who’ve just finished as I’m doing nothing else with my evening. May go for a pint after. What’s your plans?”
22. Best Sales Day On His Last Day
I managed to find a telemarketing job as one of my first jobs. It sucked and we were treated like animals, but it was close enough that I could walk there from home. I only intended to stay long enough to afford a car.
One day, I realized that I had reached my set dollar amount for a car purchase. As a joke, I strayed as far from the sales pitch as possible. I changed my greeting to things like “Hey.” or “‘Sup?” I impersonated celebrity voices. People stopped working around me. They just listened in shock.
But it completely backfired.
It was my highest day of sales ever. I sold 10 times my average. The pit boss was bewildered, which is why I wasn’t fired right away (he listened in on all my calls that day). He begged me to stay, but I was out.
23. Fighting The System By Using The System
My boss was a cunt, had me on a disciplinary for something that wasn’t my fault, and had my bonus taken off me. So i found a new job, threw out 2,500 worth of stock as technically the food hadn’t been stored away correctly, went above my boss and got head offices backing, then handed my notice in, knowing that id fucked his bonus up to. FUCK. THAT. GUY.
24. This One Will Renew Your Faith In Humanity
My job at Chick-Fil-A had a tradition of pieing people in the face on their last day. Now I was the manager and didn’t trust the kids not to pie me when taking a complaint or during a rush or something, so I promised them if they’d wait until close in the parking lot, and if they got done cleaning on time, we’d do something special.
So I present to you: The Pie Gauntlet
All of Beer 